A little bedtime reflection…

Forgive me for being candid and not reverting to the comical as I am so used to doing in this blog. Tomorrow I start the process of vocational rehabilitation. It been told to me that it has helped many people find worthwhile jobs that suit there specific needs, My needs being a low stress, low gossip, low everything environment so that my hulk watch (heart rate monitor) doesn’t spike and ┬ásend me into what could be one of many embarrassing situations. The first being the standard panic attack, which can be remedied with a little xanax, some deep breathing, and a little hope. The second being my conversion disorder which takes the words that come out of my mouth and jumbles them into a word salad that very few people can understand. The last and most embarrassing would be a full dissociative event where I think I am someone else for a period of time and wake up at home under the care of my close circle of friends and family. This is the one that I fear most, for one is a superior-minded handful with a british accent, one is a happy go lucky guy that would invite you for after meeting beers, and the third is the expression of all the rage I have built up into a maniacal wordsmith that I do not want the general populace to meet. DID is a crippling disorder and my hearts go out to the many people who have a worse form than I do. Like it or not tomorrow will come and I am hoping I can be a calm and collected me and not some form of madman that I can’t control. It is days when my symptoms are at there worst when I understand the plight of Doctor Jekyll. I am a buddhist by choice but an open minded one, gods help me tomorrow.

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